A lot of the advice I got about learning to enforce my boundaries was framed as an adversarial thing. Like, ‘yes, it might upset and disappoint the people around you, but you have to learn to tell them ‘no’ anyway.’ At best, ‘good people will still like you if you enforce your boundaries’.
What I wish I’d been told is that good people will think it’s awesome that you enforce your boundaries, that there are people who will respect the hell out of you for it, that there are people who will admire you not despite you telling them no, but because of it. That most people don’t want to make you do something you don’t enjoy,and so they’ll actively be happier and more relaxed around you if they know they can trust you to decline to do things you don’t enjoy and to ask them to stop things that bother you.
It helped me a lot, personally, to stop thinking of ‘enforcing my boundaries’ as something I did for me and more as something I did to empower the people I was close with, to build a situation where they and I felt sure everything that was going on was something we all wanted.
Most advice isn’t good for everyone and this advice seems maybe bad for people in abusive situations, because sometimes you do need to learn to enforce boundaries against people who will try to violate them. But if there are other brains like me out there: your partner will be really happy you can say no to them. your friend will be really happy you change the subject when you hate it. your roommate will really appreciate that you tell them to turn down the music. most people will feel safer and more comfortable around you if they know you’ll reliably express your needs, AND they’ll feel better about voicing theirs.
I always think of, like, 2nd century scriptural debates when matters of canon come up.
General rabble: accepts bits from the movies and the books and maybe cursed child and that one fanfic they read when it crossed their dash. In general, whatever supports my ship is canon.
Proto-orthodox church fathers: The 7 books, 8 movies, Cursed Child, Pottermore, and everything from Fantastic Beasts including the new information in the trailer are all canon. If the books and the movies appear to contradict each other, your understanding is unclear. Maybe Harry walked into the forest twice.
Marcion: Fantastic Beasts isn’t canon. Cursed Child isn’t canon. The movies are not canon except where they provide a texturally harmonious expansion of the books. Pottermore and Twitter and interviews aren’t canon except where they support my main thesis. Those parts in the later books I don’t like are due to the nefarious influence of Steve Kloves. I will provide detailed textual arguments for my headcanons that contradict statements in material I consider noncanonical. I am a member of one or more character’s defense squads.
“Over the years, Chloe won too many titles to mention. 2001-02 Irish Overall Kata Champion, 2001 French Freestyle and Weapons Champion 1998-2000 Swiss Freestyle Champion, 1999 Traditional, Freestyle and Weapons World Champion, 1998 Traditional, Freestyle and Weapons World Champion, 1997 Traditional and Freestyle World Champion, 1996 Traditional and Freestyle World Champion, and many more Freestyle, Traditional and Weapons Champion titles through the late 90’s and early 2000’s in WKA, WAKO and FSK Championships.
After 2000 Chloe became an even bigger star. She traveled the whole world to appear with various demo teams. She worked with Daniel Sterling and Mike Chat’s XMA. Chloe also appeared in various music videos. In 2003 Chloe became a professional actress.
She holds the world record for the most scorpion kicks in one minute (39 kicks).”
“The folklore among knitters is that everything handmade should have at least one mistake so an evil sprit will not become trapped in the maze of perfect stitches. A missed increase or decrease, a crooked seam, a place where the tension is uneven – the mistake is a crack left open to let in the light. The evil sprit I want to usher out of my knitting and my life is at once a spirit of laziness and of over-achieving. It’s that little voice in my head that says, I won’t even try this because it doesn’t come naturally to me and I won’t be very good at it.”
—
Kyoko Mori, ‘Yarn’
That last phrase especially – “I won’t even try this because it doesn’t come naturally to me and I won’t be very good at it.” It really is like some kind of all-encompassing evil sprit sometimes.
This made me nearly bite a pencil in half in enraged memory.
@ THE REST OF MY ANCIENT HISTORY CLASS; Y’ALL ARE WELCOME FOR THAT FUCKIN A THE REST OF YOU DID NO GODDAMN WORK FOR
Oh man, so I know everyone hates group projects with ample good reason, but lemme just tell you something that happened to me in my final year of uni. My dad got real sick and was in and out of hospital numerous times, one time with a suspected heart attack. Which meant my mum ended up caring for my dad, and I wound up caring for my disabled brother, on top of working a part time job and going to university full time.
My grades slid dramatically. I was having to appeal nearly all my results with my professors, and was mercifully granted extensions by all but one of them. (Which, if you’re out there Ronald: stub your toe and step on lego for the rest of eternity.) And then our Revolutionary Cultures prof. assigned a group project, and paired us at random with our classmates. And I knew, I knew I was just going to be a dead weight so I went to my new buddy and told them we should go to the profs office and ask for her to be switched to someone else who wasn’t just going to drag them down. And my new best buddy for the rest of the semester looked at me, looked at our assigned project, and very gently started to cry as she told me “I was just about to say the same thing to you,” and then tearfully told me her mum was dying, and the only reason she hadn’t dropped out to take care of her was because her mum wanted to see her graduate. She’d been given six months and we graduated in five. Provided we finished this class. And we were both out of appeals and leniency time.
It’s probably one of my most vivid memories from the whole college experience, just sitting on the floor of the Renaissance Lit corridor hugging someone who until a moment ago had been a relative stranger known only in passing, and trying to tell them it would be okay, we’d get the paper done. And we did. We scraped a C- together between the two of us and we managed to coast over the passing mark for the class and were allowed to graduate with abysmal but passing marks.
And I still think about her all the time. Especially when I wind up in group projects for work, and it feels like no one else is shouldering any of the burden, I make a note to reach out and say “hey, you don’t seem to be engaging with this much, are you okay?”
And a lot of the time it shocks people. They’re not expecting earnest concern for their lack of interest, and you find out things like their kid is sick, their dog just died, they’ve got health issues going on, or sometimes they just don’t know where to begin with the project and didn’t want to tell you that because they were frightened of being judged or perceived as lazy when they’re just overwhelmed.
And I honestly wish things like this were taught in team building exercises, cause that’s what group projects in school are. They’re supposed to be teaching you how to work well with others and achieve a common goal, while at the same time totally skipping over the fundamentals of human interaction and how to engage socially with others, and it’s fucking bullshit.
Do you ever read someone’s fanfic and realized it was so good that you went to look for the rest of their stuff and you read all of them too, and now you just wait for them to write something new? Like you don’t even care what they write because everything will be gold. Just give me the soulmate starbucks hooker AU or anything else you write, I’m desperate here.
the difference between subscribing to a fic and suscribing to the author tbh
This 100% was me at the zoo. Don’t touch Melon, he’s mean. Okay, but I have to touch Bob to make him get his stupid emu head out of my shirt, so what if I also touch Melon until he likes it?
Sephiroth is angery because he has one wing and sometimes attacks people? I want to pet him also. Also he won’t get off the rock I have to clean anyway, surely a little pets on the good side will be fine.
Martha and Stewart are assholes that tag-team while the pond is filling? I bet I could CUDDLE THEM.
The female deer will excitedly nuzzle you in the stomach for feeding them. This is fine, because they don’t have antlers. The male deer is locked up while we’re putting out food because he will gouge you to death with his little nubby asymmetrical horns, because he thinks the females are doing it.
The entire monkey enclosure will eat your fingers for a single fruit loop. They also have the smallest arms and can reach through holes they’ve made in the tarp on the gate to their enclosure. Do not hold hands with the monkeys. (2nd gen old man monkey will also pee on the keepers that don’t give him fruit loops. He is a jerk.)
The rehabilitated bear that still sits like she’s on a couch because she did that when she was living in a crack house? Yes, she looks chill. Yes, she looks The Softest. No, do not pet her back through the fence. No, do not go into the corridor and try to offer treats for pets.
Big Mac does not know he will break your ribs, but YOU know he will break your ribs. Do not enter Big Mac’s enclosure no matter how much he chuffs and displays his belly and rubs on the cage and looks sad. Yes, he genuinely wants pets. Yes, Pinkie is deliberately getting pets where he can see it as a sign of dominance even though she’s a housecat and he could eat her in approximately one bite.
The turtle is mean. Period. He is an old man and he does not like you. He does not like the parrot getting fries and he does not like that he is in a kiddie pool to warm up because his enclosure lost power, and he does not like you behind him preparing food for the owls and raptors. Petting him will not help this. He will rock back and forth and mean mug you forever because he is a grumpy old man.
All of the rabbits need more handling on principle. They don’t know you and they are very distressed that you’re taking their poop away. They can learn, a little, kind of. The guinea pig is insane and will not learn. Do not pet the guinea pig.
this post is gathering some highly blessed zoo stories i love it! thank you
as biologist, can confirm
brain: that frog is very small me: well spotted, brain brain: put smol frog in mouth me: no!
brain: that lynx…looks so fluffy… me: it does brain: we should pet it. me: it’s awake and angry so no.
brain: baaaaby bunny. me: yup. brain: baby bunny goes in pocket me: nooo it doesn’t.
jinlinli 