A lot of the advice I got about learning to enforce my boundaries was framed as an adversarial thing. Like, ‘yes, it might upset and disappoint the people around you, but you have to learn to tell them ‘no’ anyway.’ At best, ‘good people will still like you if you enforce your boundaries’.
What I wish I’d been told is that good people will think it’s awesome that you enforce your boundaries, that there are people who will respect the hell out of you for it, that there are people who will admire you not despite you telling them no, but because of it. That most people don’t want to make you do something you don’t enjoy,and so they’ll actively be happier and more relaxed around you if they know they can trust you to decline to do things you don’t enjoy and to ask them to stop things that bother you.
It helped me a lot, personally, to stop thinking of ‘enforcing my boundaries’ as something I did for me and more as something I did to empower the people I was close with, to build a situation where they and I felt sure everything that was going on was something we all wanted.
Most advice isn’t good for everyone and this advice seems maybe bad for people in abusive situations, because sometimes you do need to learn to enforce boundaries against people who will try to violate them. But if there are other brains like me out there: your partner will be really happy you can say no to them. your friend will be really happy you change the subject when you hate it. your roommate will really appreciate that you tell them to turn down the music. most people will feel safer and more comfortable around you if they know you’ll reliably express your needs, AND they’ll feel better about voicing theirs.
*please* this is so important
Tag: relationships
connecting to another person means understanding that they are human and capable of mistakes. understand that they have a shadow that needs to be acknowledged, as well as a lifetime of conditioning and programming to recognize and release. don’t idealize your partners, allow them humanity.
don’t get me wrong i love the idea of writing love letters or serenading a person on a balcony, but modern love is just as pure and sweet.
my best friend knew this guy and when she asked about snapchat streaks he replied “i don’t have any but you can be my first.”
my cousin’s girlfriend sent her a snap one morning of her balcony and the sun, with a sticker of my cousins face on it with the caption “u light up my life.” now it’s her background.
last year a new friend came to mine and i asked if she wanted the wifi password. she said “no, i wanna spend time with you.”
my sisters best friend moved states a few months ago and they facetime each other at the same time, every second day.
when my father travels for work, no matter how busy he is, he’ll skype my mother every night.
in therapy my therapist and i were talking about my own feelings of self worth in relationships. and she asked me to say qualities about myself that someone else would be attracted to, on a romantic and platonic level. so i named some things like compassionate, empathetic, etc. and she said “you named things that you can give someone. ways you can serve, rather than ways that you are” and y’all..my mind was blown that’s gonna stick with me forever like she then proceed to tell me actual innate qualities about myself that she liked and thought anyone else would like as well and i hadn’t even considered those because like she said i was focused on things i could do outwardly to attract and maintain connections rather than who i was as a person..goddamn!!! thats tea!!!
With this in mind, this also makes me think of the ways people describe us. When people say the reasons that they love/like you or describe you as a person, are they only naming ways that you serve them? Are they equating your worth with how much you do for them?
ex. “You’re such a good listener. You’re so generous, you’re so compassionate. You’re always there for me. You always hold me down. You’re reliable”
vs.
“You’re so funny! You’re very vibrant. You’re creative, passionate, and intelligent. You’re optimistic. You’re so talented at ____” , etc. I think that’s very telling.
This FUCKED relationships up too because once this hit me, I realized people can just be in love with the way you make them feel instead of who you actually are. ALWAYS pay attention to the last little “vs” bit there because it IS super telling
stop treating people you admire and love like gods. when you put romanticized versions of the people you love above the people they really are, then you’ve done yourself and them a disservice. they cannot possibly ever live up to the ideal you’ve created of them, and they will inevitably disappoint you. you will be let down by someone you previously thought was perfect, or worthy of admiration, but perfection has never and will never exist, and if you look for it in a place it isn’t, you will always be let down, and it isn’t fair to you but it isn’t fair to the person you’ve romanticized in the first place. you must realize and tear down the veil of impossible standards (whether physical or more psychological) because they were never possible to attain in the first place.
i have a hill to die on real quick
phrases like “you don’t owe anyone anything” and “relationships aren’t transactional” have the power to be used in ways that are very backwards and harmful
for example, no you don’t owe anyone anything in that if some creep is trying to get with you, you can block him without feeling bad. you don’t owe kindness to people who are transphobic or racist or bigoted.
but, you can’t use this as an excuse to fuck over people who have helped you. “you don’t owe anyone anything” isn’t an excuse to allow yourself to forget compassion and basic empathy, it isn’t an excuse for you to be an asshole just because you find it easier to be one
relationships aren’t transactional in that if your partner does something nice for you, you are indebted to them. they do these things because they love you; it is their choice to express love through these gestures
but they are transactional in that you both actively need to be putting time and care into the relationship. ignoring the dynamic of one person caring too much (and putting in excessive (emotional an literal) work and labor) while the other does nothing isn’t healthy. one person can’t solely take and the other person can’t solely give- that’s dangerous, and you can’t put the bandaid of “this isn’t transactional” over a relationship that is draining you in all capacities
i’m tired of seeing these things being misconstrued and used as an excuse to hurt people, while framing it as a way of taking care of yourself
please remember that in a healthy, adult relationship (romantic or not), you should be able to talk about things that are bothering you. if you are bottling up your emotions and holding it against someone when you haven’t told them what is wrong, you’re not engaging in healthy behaviour. but also, if your friend/significant other makes you feel as though you can’t talk about what bothers you- i.e. has made you feel guilty/gotten extraordinarily angry when things were brought up in the past- they are not engaging in healthy behaviour.
Everyone should aspire to a cat’s understanding of healthy relationships
-they are vocal about their emotional as well as physical needs (alerting you when they need affection or entertainment in addition to when they need food), demonstrating an excellent example of self care and open communication
– they can enjoy being in a space with you while you’re each doing your own thing, demonstrating the healthy boundaries and separate interests
– they also like learning about what you’re doing and being involved in your hobbies (e.g. sitting on your laptop, cuddling while you read a book or knit a scarf or play a game)
-they consistently enforce their boundaries. first with nonverbal communication, then verbal (hissing/growling), then violence (scratching/biting) when needed, demonstrating that it’s 100% appropriate to defend your bodily autonomy by any means necessary, even against those you love and depend on.
-they demonstrate the importance of ongoing consent by respecting their ability to change their mind during physical affection and stop at any point
stop believing in restrictive love. it’s not cute to hit up your boyfriend every hour on the hour because you need reassurance he isn’t cheating. it’s not okay to force your girlfriend to tell you her phone passcode so you can read through her texts. stop telling your significant other they can’t be friends with certain people, stop getting mad at them for hanging with their friends, stop trying to control who they are because you’re scared of what might happen if you actually trust them. love is supposed to be open, trusting, and full of support and it’s so sad and frustrating to see people take their insecurities and fears from a past lover out on their current one
Yes, being in a relationship will show you all the issues that you have. But once it comes out that you have issues, they aren’t for your partner to fix, they are for you to fix. Realize you have anger issues? Work it out, don’t take it out in your partner. Realize you have trust issues? Work it out, don’t burden your partner with that. Realize you have insecurities? Work on your self esteem, don’t expect your partner to validate your existence.
Your commitment to your partner is also a commitment to work on yourself. They work on them, you work on you, and you both come together committed to giving your best. And of course, things happen. Sometimes your best also includes mess. But the important thing is to not make it a habit that the person you’re with is someone you use to heal you. That’s not right.
jinlinli 